


pictures of you

by softshocks



Category: Dreamcatcher (Korea Band)
Genre: Childhood Friends to Lovers, F/F, band au, ish, stupid teenage long-distance pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-17
Updated: 2020-09-17
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:02:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,965
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26504836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softshocks/pseuds/softshocks
Summary: She’d sent over cassettes for her moods.When you’re sad. When you’re happy. When you’re tired. When you miss Siyeon.Siyeon watches as Handong holds the last one with unabashed gentleness and grace that she feels it warm her to her toes.
Relationships: Han Dong | Handong/Lee Siyeon
Comments: 26
Kudos: 96





	pictures of you

**Author's Note:**

> I am the sidong fic I wish to see in this world
> 
> Song from the cure’s [song of the same name](https://open.spotify.com/track/5MHqVqiJAgDPBa7cexg1Fz?si=OnkUCkvmT1S6x-bGh_fuNg) :) 
> 
> the ['when I miss siyeon'](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4ostjSjKPdkEVaQfOeCorh?si=FL_cXagdTTa4yL8SNuZLlg) mixtape
> 
> Cw underage drinking
> 
> Come find me on twt @hausofbora!

The school’s waiting area is empty, the late, golden sun making the last of its shine before sundown as Siyeon sits on one of the benches, waiting for her sister to finish with club hour. 

Club hour would be later for her next year in fourth grade, but for now she waits - earphones in, holding the iPod shuffle she often hides in her pencil case. No one is here to scold her anymore and it’s after hours, so she’s not too worried about it. 

She recently added some new songs she had her sister download from Limewire: a mess of Lady Gaga, Eagle Eye, and The Cure Siyeon hears from the radio stations her parents play. _Just Like Heaven_ comes on shuffle, and she’s happy, bobbing her head to its beat when she notices someone sit across - a girl with paint on her clothes - sitting alone. 

Siyeon realizes she knows the girl from music club - a foreigner, too shy to participate unless the teacher asked her to do so and whenever she did, she did amazingly. Handong was her name, Siyeon remembers, a recent transfer still stumbling to speak Korean, but doing a pretty great job. 

They’ve barely interacted, and she’s not Yubin-level or Minji-level in making new friends but Siyeon will try her hardest. The girl looks a bit sad or tired so Siyeon sucks it up and sits beside her. 

“Hi,” she says, trying her best to smile. Handong looks surprised to see her, her neat, short hair sticking a bit to her forehead from the afternoon heat. “I’m Siyeon! We’re clubmates but we haven’t really met.” 

“Oh, hi,” Handong replies, shyly, giving her a small wave. There’s an awkward beat of silence until she realized that neither of them knows what to say. Until: “what… are you listening to?” 

One earphone hangs off her ear, still blasting _Just Like Heaven._ “The Cure. You know them?” 

Handong shakes her head, so Siyeon gives her the free earphone, which the other girl takes to put in her ear. 

As soon as she wears it, a smile lights up her face, and she bobs her head to the beat the same way Siyeon did, Handong’s glasses slipping down the bridge of her nose. Her smile is pretty, and Siyeon wants to see more of it. “I like this.” 

That makes Siyeon’s heart soar. Not a lot of people in third grade like the music she does. “Really?” 

Handong nods, giving her a thumbs up. “What’s… the title?” 

“ _Just Like Heaven_ ,” she says, in English, then Korean, pointing upwards. 

Handong smiles, understanding. They listen to the new songs on Siyeon’s iPod together until Handong’s driver calls her attention around the same time Siyeon’s sister arrives, ruffling her head. 

They say goodbye, and Siyeon hopes to see her again, reminding herself to write a few songs for her sister to put on her iPod for them to listen to. 

“New friend?” Her sister asks, and Siyeon nods, only for her hair to be ruffled by her sister. “Nice work, sis! Looks like you didn’t need Yubin-ah’s help anymore.” 

She watches Handong, who turns back after giving her backpack and folder bag to her driver, waving goodbye. 

Siyeon does the same, excited to see her at the next music club meeting. 

-

Handong makes a space in Siyeon’s life, settling in every corner of her life like a sated cat; like these crevices were made for her. 

They're permanent fixtures in each other’s homes, fondly received by each other’s families. It’s Siyeon’s sister who helps Handong with her first period and Handong’s dad who teaches Siyeon how to ride the bike. 

Growing up together barely has a dull day. Afternoons at the music club, math tutorials, studying together. Their weekend filled with playing Pokemon Ruby on their Gameboys, listening to music in Handong’s room, or making music. 

The last one has always been Siyeon’s favorite. Their club moderator loved pairing their voices together. With Handong on the keyboard and Siyeon on the guitar? They’re unstoppable, dominating talent shows and snagging every opportunity to perform. 

Nothing felt as right as having Handong with her onstage. Handong with her after school. Handong beside her, falling asleep as Siyeon talks endlessly about this month’s _Captain America_ issue. 

“You promise we’ll be friends for a long time?” Siyeon asks, holding Handong’s hand. _Friday I’m In Love_ plays in the background. She’d recently asked for some nice speakers for her birthday, and they’re sprawled on Siyeon’s bed with sheet music. Siyeon’s guitar rests on top of her stomach. 

Handong turns her head, not wanting to crush the delicate sheet music. “Yeah,” she says, her Korean more confident now that they’re older. “We have a dream, remember?” 

Handong was always pretty, but she’d grown prettier over the years. Her hair is longer than Siyeon’s now rather than the short pixie cut she’s always sported. She only ever wears her glasses at home now and sometimes Siyeon’s stomach does weird flips when Handong smiles at her.

Handong’s parents had promised them that on Handong’s eighteenth birthday, four years from now, they’d have a shot to work with some composers and producers to make their own music. Make it big someday. Play concert halls, stadiums. Win awards—that kind of thing. 

“Yeah,” Siyeon says, finding Handong’s hand across the bed. It’s soft, except for the calluses of her fingertips that Siyeon also has. Warm, reassuring, feels like forever. “Yeah, we do.”

-

They do everything together during the summers, never one without the other. Joined at the hip. 

The summer that Handong turns fifteen, she heads back home to China for a cousin’s wedding and will be staying there for the rest of it. 

It’s their first summer without each other. Siyeon tries not to mope about it. 

She fails each time. 

“Do you have to go?” She says, pouting. In school, she’d rather chew her arm off than show people she has any real emotions, but with her friends — and especially Handong — Siyeon has nothing to hide. 

Handong finishes packing her things by zipping up her keyboard and placing her sheet music inside. “Yeah,” she pouts too. “You know how my parents are. They miss home. I do, too.” When Siyeon says nothing, continues staring at the patterns of Handong’s duvet, Handong lies down beside her, throwing an arm around Siyeon. “You act like I’m not coming back.” 

Siyeon shrugs, trying not to cry. She doesn’t know why her gut instincts make her feel like Handong isn’t coming back, which is ridiculous because they have to go back to school. They have to keep winning talent shows. They have to record the songs they’ve written together. They have to watch more concerts, listen to more music in each other’s rooms. 

They have to. 

_Right?_

Handong presses a kiss to the top of Siyeon’s head, like she always does, and smooths the hair there. “I know I’m leaving tomorrow, but…” she turns and rummages for something, then brandishes a vinyl sleeve of The Cure’s _Disintegration_ that Siyeon has been whining about to no end. “For you.” 

A few months ago, Siyeon and her dad had gotten their turntables to work, and it’s Siyeon’s favorite part of her side of the room. “Oh, Dongie,” she says, tearing up, not knowing what to say as she inspects it. 

“I wanted to give it tomorrow and be dramatic, you know me, but you looked really sad now,” she smiles, watching on as Siyeon can’t keep her eyes off the gift. 

She launches herself into Handong’s arms, which isn’t hard because she’s so close, and embraces her. 

“Come back, okay?” She says. “We have a dream.

Handong strokes her back, and Siyeon feels the words more than hears it. “Okay,” her best friend tells her, “and yes, we do. We do.”

-

She has an amazing set of friends she meets but it’s different without Handong. 

They did everything together. Voice lessons. Band time. Skateboarding. Skinning their knees on the pavement playing outside. 

Siyeon did all the things she did with Handong, but now she does it without her. 

Yubin rolls up to her on her board as she’s seated on the pavement, then takes a seat beside her. “Still missing her?” 

The girl can read her so easily, like the back of her hand. Siyeon doesn’t want to disclose how many times she listens to the record Handong gave her but at the rate this is going, Yubin probably knew and just isn't saying anything about it. “Yeah, sadly."

Yubin doesn’t press, only sits beside Siyeon as they watch some of the people they skate with pull some ollies. 

Later, her phone pings with pictures of Handong in the wedding’s themed attire, looking ridiculously pretty in red and gold.

They talk every day. Even more so that Handong is away. 

_My little cousins still call me gege_

_even if I look like this!! : < _

_How do I look?_

_Hehe maybe u will always be ge ge_ _to them :))_

_So prettyyyy. I miss you already :’(_

  
  


She doesn’t understand why her heart beats a little faster at the sight of Handong’s picture, and Siyeon blames it on the summer heat. It’s the only explanation. 

Handong calls that night, after the festivities, and they listen to some more music over the phone until they fall asleep.

-

_Singnie_

_I auditioned for the Annie adaptation right_

_They’re calling me back!!!_

_Oh?? That’s great dongie : > _

_Does that mean you’re staying?_

_If i get it_

_I think so_

_Oh_

_I’m sorry singnie :(_

_I know i said i’ll come back_

_But let’s see okay?_

_Dongie_

_Chase your dreams_

_You’ll smash it_

_I know you will_

_What abt our promise?? :(_

_It can wait :)_

_Im proud of you dongdong_

_So proud of you!! I love you_

_I love you too singnie_

_I’ll make you proud!!!_

_-_

“Hey, Yubin?” She sobs into the phone. Her tears, leaking. Her heart, breaking. 

Yubin, hearing how distressed she is, changes her tone immediately. “Siy? What’s going on?” 

Siyeon doesn’t say anything until she’s calmed down, and that’s ten minutes of crying while Yubin waits patiently on the other side of the phone. 

“Dongie’s staying in China until God-knows-when,” she sniffles. “I don’t know why I’m crying like this. I’m happy for her.” 

“You can be happy for her but sad because you’ll miss her,” Yubin tells her. “It’s not mutually exclusive.” 

Siyeon nods, and after a few moments: “what does ‘mutually exclusive’ mean?” 

Yubin laughs and explains it, lifting the mood at once.

-

(Siyeon doesn’t tell Handong she cried like a baby that night.)

_-_

Handong gets busier with rehearsals, and school is about to start. 

They still talk every day. They still listen to music together. Siyeon’s dad taught her how to put music in a cassette tape, and they’d restored a Walkman together. 

So naturally, she puts several tapes she made and the Walkman in a box and has it shipped to Beijing, where Handong was staying with her mom. 

“ _Singnie,_ ” Handong gushes over on Skype, thumbing through the stuff Siyeon sent her. “ _This is amazing!”_

She’d sent over cassettes for her mood. _When you’re sad. When you’re happy. When you’re tired. When you miss Siyeon._

Siyeon watches as Handong holds the last one with unabashed gentleness and grace that she feels it warm her to her toes. 

(A few days ago, Handong had teared up, saying she missed Siyeon a lot.

It sent Siyeon’s heart into a frenzy.) 

“Just my favorite tracks,” she says. “Fall Out Boy, The Cure, One Ok Rock, Red Hot Chili Peppers. You know the drill.” 

“I love it so much, Sing,” she says, and she looks directly at the camera, and it crosses the miles that they’re apart. “I love you.” 

“I love you, too,” Siyeon says, because it’s the truth.

-

In the middle of the school year, Siyeon turns sixteen and she forms a band. 

Yubin, on the keys. Yoohyeon, lead guitar. Gahyeon with bass. Minji on the backing guitar, who writes songs with Siyeon. Bora had taken it upon herself to be their manager. 

She loves her band. She really does. 

They all agree Handong has a place in it. 

They write songs, and they sound amazing, but Siyeon doesn’t put out songs she’d written when she missed Handong. They feel too personal. Too raw. Not to mention that she’d be teased endlessly for pining the way she is. 

_Maybe when she comes back._

She sends Handong a picture of them posing after a performance, and Handong is so happy and glad and supportive. She sends back a picture of her during rehearsals having her makeup done, looking like the rising musical star she is. 

Siyeon realizes she loves her, and this new piece of information feels like bones popping into place. It feels like her ribs are opened, and she’s raw and vulnerable and in love with her best friend, who is miles away. 

So she wrote those songs for Handong because she was in love with her.

 _Siyeon_ , she says to herself, tapping her phone on her forehead, _you stupid, stupid lesbian._

_-_

To celebrate their first completed song together, Bora manages to score them alcohol, drinking it together as they’re cramped up in Bora’s room. 

Bora’s parents have always been cool; as long as they play safe and don’t do anything dangerous, it’s chill to drink within the Kim residences. 

Like the stupid teenagers they are they play truth or dare, and somehow it ends up with Yoohyeon being Siyeon’s first kiss. 

Ever. 

It doesn’t mean anything, and it feels nice, so the sinking feeling in her chest when she thinks of Handong as she kisses one of her closest friends throws Siyeon off. Matched with the heaviness of her head from the alcohol, it didn’t feel great. 

_Having fun?~ miss you guys_

_Drink one for me!_

_Moss hou too_

_*missyou_

_Sorry drunnk_

_Hahahah_

_Its ok~_

_Ttyl?_

Siyeon doesn’t know why she says it, but Handong is her best friend, and they talk about anything and everything. Siyeon would explain anything and everything under the sun if it meant she’d keep talking to Handong forever—language barriers be damned. 

_I kissedyooj_

_Yooh_

_Shes my first kiss_

_Ever_

Siyeon almost forgets she sends it, about to tip over to dreamland after Yubin gives her a bottle of water. Handong must have fallen asleep. It was pretty late in China and dress rehearsals were in full swing. 

The reply comes after what felt like an hour or two. 

_Oh im glad_

_How was it?_

_Like kissign a frjend hahhah_

She doesn’t know why she’s still typing, still talking, nothing stopping her. Siyeon doesn’t know why her heart breaks. 

_Do you like her?_

Siyeon types, with clumsy fingers. 

_I like you._ Backspace. 

_Imiss you somxuh._ Backspace. 

_Inwisj you were my first kiss instead._ Backspace. 

She opts for a simple: 

_Not rlly_

_And yooh likes yub_

_Oh_

_Okay_

_Hahah_

_At least its yooh you know?_

_Are youmad : < _

_No_

_Idk_

_Im sad singnie : < _

Tears well up in her eyes and Siyeon can’t stop it. 

_Y sad?? :(_

_Idk_

_Ill just sleep_

_You should too ok? Drink water_

_Ok_

_Love you dongdong_

_I love you too_

-

They don’t talk about that night, and she remembers enough of it to make its way into Siyeon’s notebook of songs. 

-

“Break a leg, Dongie,” she says, over the phone. Everyone chimes in, a cacophony of noises that Handong doesn’t understand, but she laughs, appreciating it. 

“Thank you, thank you,” she says, her voice full of pre-show jitters. Then she says, much softer this time as if it’s meant for Siyeon only. “I’ll do my best.” 

Opening night is at an all-time high, and it receives positive reviews. Handong is recognized for her talent, a fresh face in show business, and Siyeon couldn’t be more proud.

-

Life goes on but something shifts between her and Handong. Siyeon can’t put a finger on it. 

They still talk every day, within the short window that Siyeon has to do homework and before Handong passes out from exhaustion. 

It’s… sweeter. Sweeter than Siyeon already was with Handong. She doesn’t know how else to explain it. 

On Christmas day, Handong sends many gifts. The one Siyeon treasures the most is the tiny cassette tape recordings of Handong singing Siyeon’s favorite songs. 

She watches the ceiling, feeling the way Handong loves her all the way from where she was washing over her like a gentle tide. 

-

It’s no secret Handong’s family is well off, but it still surprises them that they’d offered to pay for a trip to Beijing to attend Handong’s last show — for the six of them. 

It’s a surprise, and Handong isn’t supposed to know, and it works. The moment the cast bows together, she spots them and almost bursts into tears. She couldn’t climb down the stage fast enough, barrelling into them in her red attire and full makeup. 

"You were so amazing," Siyeon says, the air in her lungs pulled from her because of the way Handong is hugging her so tightly.

After a night out for a late dinner, with Siyeon and Handong barely separable, they settle back home. Some sleep in the guest room, and some sleep in Handong’s room. 

Tired from the flight this morning and full from dinner, everyone is asleep except for the two of them. 

Siyeon and Handong face each other, their hands holding each other between them, unwilling to be apart. As if being away from each other for more than ten seconds, they’d implode.

 _Pictures of You_ plays softly in the background, filling the room, accompanying Yoohyeon’s snores and Gahyeon’s occasional teeth grinding. 

Handong looks at her like she can’t believe she’s here, and Siyeon is pretty sure she has the same expression plastered on her face. In the darkness of Handong’s room, the only light coming from her bear lamp illuminates her face, and oh, if Siyeon wasn’t in love with her then, she’s definitely in love with her now.

“I don’t think I want to stay and pursue show business here,” Handong says quietly, as if saying it out loud is mortifying. “I don’t think it’s for me.” 

That doesn’t surprise Siyeon, because Handong often complained about the kind of industry musicals were, and that rehearsals and shows took a toll on her, making her too tired and sad. 

Tears leak from her eyes, falling to the side from their position. Siyeon wipes them away. “I miss performing for rowdy crowds, I miss performing with you,” Handong says, her lips trembling, “I want to be with the six of you.” 

_We have a dream,_ they’d kept saying. _We have a dream._

Siyeon bites her lip. She doesn’t know how their faces got as close as they are, but Siyeon doesn’t dare lean in. 

Still, she keeps her thumb on Handong’s cheek, stroking the skin there the way she’d wanted to these past few months. 

“Then come back,” Siyeon says as if it’s the easiest thing on earth. 

Handong nods, and maybe it is. 

-

Handong quickly finds her place in the band as a keyboardist, a composer, a producer, and a second voice to Siyeon. 

The music they make feels complete now.

-

Siyeon doesn’t tell her, much to everyone’s frustration — Yubin’s, mostly. 

Every time Siyeon has a chance to say it, to kiss Handong, to tell her she wants to be with her — in the recording room, in Minji’s garage, in her room when they have sleepovers — and she doesn’t, it makes Yubin tug at her own hair in frustration. 

“Siyeon, what the fuck,” Yubin had said when Siyeon didn’t tell Handong she loved her on her eighteenth birthday — during the surprise birthday party Handong threw for Siyeon. “Like, seriously, you are stressing me out. So much.” 

Siyeon had pointed at herself. “Me? Stressing _you_ out? You’re in no better place at being in love with _your_ best friend!” 

(Yubin and Yoohyeon were also taking too goddamn long to get together.)

They’ve been dancing around each other for almost two years, Siyeon afraid to ruin their friendship. Siyeon, afraid of running the risk of this whole thing coming to an end.

Two years and a thousand chances to tell Handong how she feels, and Siyeon doesn’t take it. 

She didn’t care if Handong didn’t love her back; she just didn’t want anything to change. 

(“If you didn’t want anything to change,” Bora told her, “then why exactly do you have twenty songs about her in this notebook alone?”)

“Happy birthday,” Handong says, leaning in close as everyone loses their shit during karaoke. She hands Siyeon a calling card. 

_Park Seungyeon_

_Red Recording Studios_

_(xx) - (xxxxxxx)_

_xxxxxxxx@gmail.com_

Siyeon stares at the piece of stiff paper, and Handong continues. She’s so close Siyeon can smell her perfume on her. “My parents decided to give my gift next year to you.” 

Siyeon throws her arms around Handong, pulling her as close as she can, burying her face in her best friend’s neck. 

_We have a dream_ , they’d said. 

They still do, and now there’s seven of them.

-

Telling Handong was much more anticlimactic than Siyeon had anticipated. 

It goes like this: 

Siyeon’s writing some new lyrics for more b-sides, listening to demos that Yubin sent over email, and Handong is beside her, finishing an essay, her earphones plugged in the restored Walkman, listening to the tapes Siyeon made for her years ago. 

(Her parents' ultimatum was that she finishes school with a degree in business to pursue this band thing with them, or pick up the career she’d left back in China.) 

She looks over, tucking her head into Siyeon’s neck, and fitting neatly into the space as she always does.

“Whatcha writing?” 

Siyeon, this time, doesn’t close the notebook. “Another song. Feeling inspired.” 

The lyrics are terribly romantic. It doesn’t take a genius to know who it’s for. 

Handong is an exception — a genius, yes, but also painfully oblivious. 

“Who’s this for?” She says, an unreadable expression on her face. 

Siyeon’s heart hammers in her chest, feeling like it’s about to cave in, but she can’t keep pretending that she doesn’t feel the way she does about her best friend. 

The songs in her notebook, bursting at the seams - the way her heart is about to, right at this very moment. 

“It’s for you.” 

Plain. Simple. Siyeon has never been about grand gestures. 

Handong says nothing, but she’s smiling from ear to ear. “How long?” 

“Some time.” 

She laughs, and Siyeon laughs, too. Their faces are so close, and Siyeon can’t help but lean closer. “We’re idiots.” 

“Yeah,” Siyeon whispers, their lips almost touching, “yeah, we are.” 

Their first kiss feels like the world collapsing and building around them, and Siyeon can’t get enough of the way Handong tastes, the way Handong feels in her arms, and the way Handong makes her feel. 

It feels as right as rain, as sweet as the milkshakes they shared during the hot summers of their childhood, and the first few notes of their favorite songs together.

It’s a clumsy kiss — their noses bumping, but Siyeon pulls Handong closer until Handong is on top of her, with her hands under the other girl’s sleep shirt she’d stolen from Siyeon. 

They kiss until they’re tired, but even then, their heads pressed against each other, breathing hard. 

“Wow,” is all Siyeon can say. 

Handong rubs their noses together, dipping quickly for a few more kisses that make Siyeon’s heart skid to a stop. 

The song is unfinished, for now, but in the morning, it becomes their upcoming album’s lead title track.

-

The first time they hear the recently finished mixes of their album, all of them cry — except for Yubin, of course, that’s a given — and Handong holds on to Siyeon’s hand fiercely. 

Their dream. 

**Author's Note:**

> THE NUMBER OF SIDONG IN THIS TAG IS A CRIME AGAINST ME
> 
> We need more and I'm making it my personal mission to do fix that


End file.
